Depression
I held that knife against my wrist numerous times…
The bottles of pills looked tempting because of me drowing in a deep depression.
I went to bed with a knife in my room every night…I was suffering from a deep, scary, and dark depression.
My life felt like an absolute living hell and I was completely miserable…there was no desire in me to want to live.
I adopted the self-hatred I absorbed from my environment and I’d look in the mirror and I’d point out all the things I disliked about myself, and everything others pointed out in me as well. There was nothing good about me and I ingrained the beliefs people had about themselves…this false belief of not good enough.
It felt like prison, I had no control over my own life, literally! I was stuck in a toxic home with toxic unhealed people and I had no means to financially support myself. And despite my not being able to change my situation right away like I desperately wanted to….things changed when I changed the information I let myself consume.
One day I was given a book called The Secret. That book was the catalyst to changing my entire perception of the world and of myself. I remember feeling like a light bulb went off. I learned about energy, mindset, perceptions, the law of attraction, and programming.
Awareness
I realized I had this huge ball of negative energy in my head. I knew I had to overcome this excruciating painful ball of depression that swallowed my life whole.
So even though life sucked, I started to examine every thought that came through my mind. I became mindful and developed a strong sense of self-awareness.
I started to use the word cancel, often. When a bad thought came into my mind I’d say, cancel cancel. Then I replace it with something a little more positive. It sounds silly but it trained me to stop beating myself up. I was shifting my focus away from everything that was wrong with my life.
I started to shift from looking at all the darkness in my life to a little glimmer of hope. The hope that one day I’ll get out of this hell hole, that one day I’ll have control over my life, and I’ll live life on my terms. I also stopped listening to depressing music and watching really sad movies.
Our minds are like our muscles, and it’s something that we need to train just like the way we workout at the gym. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Suicidal thoughts and attempts were common, I used to cry every single fucking night! I didn’t go to therapy for my depression or take meds…I did this all my own. Now I’m not telling you not to go to therapy or not to take antidepressants…I just didn’t have access to these things back then.
Habits
Working out was a form of meditation I added to my lifestyle. When I worked out I didn’t have to think about anything, I was just focusing on my breath. I’m not saying that you need to work out for an hour every day but doing something small is important.
I started to journal! I used it to write down all the little things that happened throughout my day that I could be grateful for. I have a post on The Gratitude Practice here. When I mean small things, I mean like someone opening the door for me. I was trying so hard to find anything going on in my life that I could be grateful for.
Being mindful, taking control over my mind and my thoughts, working out and using it as moving meditation, and incorporating a gratitude practice changed my life and helped me overcome depression
I understand how hard it is to get up sometimes. I know that it’s so much easier to lay in bed all day with a box of tissues and ice cream. I’ve fucking been there. I understand how scary it is to have panic attacks so bad you think you might die because you literally can’t catch your breath.
And just thinking about the Cristine who used to do all those things…makes me cry. I wish at the time that I had someone I trusted wholeheartedly to guide me through this nightmare depression…but I didn’t.
The Relationship With Yourself
The number one most important relationship we have is with ourselves and I know you’ve heard this before. I knew I was going to get myself out the dark hole and I did.
Are you going to let your best friend drown in the ocean of her tears?
Or are going to help her get on her feet again?
Then why don’t you do that for yourself?
You owe it to you! You deserve that!
And I think back and I’m grateful I didn’t commit suicide. As crazy as this may sound, I’m grateful for all the terrible experiences I had. I’m grateful for all the trauma and all the abuse. It all made me into the strong resilient woman I am today. I refuse to identify myself as a victim, I’m a survivor and so are you!
I know how excruciatingly difficult depression is but GET UP!!! GET UP RIGHT NOW!!! GET OFF YOUR BED AND MOVE!
You are special! The very truth of your existence is special. Out of a million other possibilities of life, you came into existence and that should tell you enough.
And the tough truth is, this a choice but I just didn’t see it back then, now I do. Be gentle with yourself and start slow. I’m sending you a huge virtual hug and love. <3
Life can be beautiful if you can take off those dark lenses and put on a new pair of shades.
I created this depression checklist for you! You can print this out, hang it on the wall as a reminder or save it to your phone so you can pull it up when you need it.
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