here.He was a weak man. The sort who needed to crush a woman in order to feel powerful. -John Mark Green
Since I was a little girl the women in my family always said to leave when a man hits you, he doesn’t love you and he is most likely to be abusive again. I never understood why a woman would stay in an abusive relationship like that until a few years ago. Having been in an abusive relationship on an emotional and physical level, I could finally relate to their psyche.
So why did I stay?
Well, I thought I loved him and I felt like I deserved being abused. I also felt like if I stayed I could help him with his “issues”. I’ll honestly say I wasn’t the best girlfriend and although I wasn’t having a full-on affair with anyone, I had committed an act of infidelity. All the abuse unfurled from there; a serious lack of trust.
After getting to know my beloved more, I learned he had suffered serious physical and emotional abuse from his father during his childhood. His father would beat him brutally to no end and was constantly being tortured by his Dad. He refused any comforting, nurturing touch from his Mother and I wanted to fill that void for him. There were times that I’d see right through him and I’d find myself looking at a poor little child who never really experienced that unconditional love we so crave from our parents. Being that my nature is comforting and mothering, I just wanted to give him all the love his childhood lacked.
We all have our reasons for staying.
The Abuse
I was always being guilt-tripped for something, constantly being gaslighted. Every single little mistake I made was magnified and then brought back to square one. I’d be seated before the emotional abuse began and when it was over I wanted to crawl up in a ball and disappear because I felt worthless. One of our arguments got so intense it got physical between us. Everytime I would try to leave his apartment, he would stand between me and the door; I was a prisoner in my lover’s place. Sometimes he would threaten to share things with my loved ones that I would be mortified if they found out. I never opened up to anyone (not even my therapist) about the reality of our relationship because he convinced me no one would understand “us”. In my time being with him, I had contemplated suicide and had begun taking psychiatric drugs to cope with the major anxiety he was causing. Instead of getting rid of the man causing me all this pain and anxiety, I wanted to find a way to cope with it because I thought I loved him.
Giving Up
I couldn’t handle it anymore…the psychiatric drugs made me so sick I went to Urgent Care. It hit me like a ton of bricks when the doctor informed me it had been the pills I was taking. Never did it cross my mind that it was the drugs because I really thought it was something else. After this episode and another attempt of suicide, I gave up trying to fit myself in this abusive relationship. Relationships are supposed to bring out the best in you but here I was simply a shell of the person I used to be. That realization was the end of my torture or so I thought. “I’ll come back when your life seems perfect.”, is one of the things he said but I brushed it off and away with the wind those words went until about a year later.
Goodbye Forever
He crossed the line. I had dozens and dozens of emails from him throughout the year which I paid no attention to. Then one day he sent an anonymous letter to my mother, everything I shared with my beloved that I thought was safe. I was absolutely mortified, humilated, and angered. I always had a rocky relationship with Mom for the most part and this had put another dent in I believed. In the end, if there is anything I could thank my abusive partner for is for freeing me; for letting me experience unconditional love from the person who brought me on this Earth.
Don’t Ever Forget the Power of Your Pussy
I never want to hurt anyone or seek revenge (I believe in Karma) but enough was enough. All I want is peace and for my family and I to be left alone so I found myself one of the best lawyers in the state. I wasn’t out to ruin anyone’s career but I had to file for a restraining order…the least I could do since I didn’t want to put a man in jail either. A long time ago I was brainwashed to believe that no one would ever listen or believe me about my situation based on this “perfect good guy” he painted himself to the world. The world is a different place, #metoo , people are listening sweetheart. You are never alone. Forget about what you think you’re losing, no one deserves to be abused on any level.
Speak up and seek help!
Why I Decided to Open Up?
I feel ashamed that I left myself be in this type of relationship. I feel embarassed that I let a man hit me, I let a man be abusive to me. In a way I do feel obligated to share this to create more awareness. I never want another person to let herself or himself in a relationship like this. You deserve so much more, you deserve to feel real love. You are not alone, there is help. Everyone deserves to be in a loving healthy relationship and there’s a powerful book I came across one day, “The Gaslight Effect” How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use To Control Your Life by Dr.Robin Stern. This a must read especially for young women as I do believe we can be more susceptible to manipulation not just in our romantic relatioships but those with others such as our family members. It’s an eye-opening book that’ll help you navigate some of those “difficult” people in your life. If you have any inkling that you might be in an abusive relationship ask yourself the following questions.
Are You In An Abusive Relationship?
1. Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
2. Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
3. Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior, especially when he/she has treated you badly?
4. Do you have to justify every place you go, everything you do, or every person you see just to avoid your partner’s anger?
5. Does your partner constantly put you down and then tell you that they love you?
6. Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you?
7. Do you not see family/friends or do things because of your partner’s jealousy?
8. Have you been forced into having sex when you didn’t want to?
9. Are you afraid to break up with your partner because they threatened
to hurt you or themselves?
If you answered yes to any of these questions….
-You can end the relationship and choose not to see your partner
-Get help from someone you trust, preferably an adult
-Go to your counseling center at school
-Call 1-800-572-SAFE (7233) for a referral to a local support program in your area
Myths About Dating Relationships:
-A guy needs to be in control of the relationship
-A girl is to blame when a guy hits her
-It’s understandable to hit her – maybe next time she’ll learn not to make me angry
-I love him. I’m the only one who can help him
-Some girls ask for it – that’s why they stay
-I shouldn’t have nagged him. It was my fault he got angry
-When a guy gets angry, he can’t help it. He’s uncontrollable.
-I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing
-She hit me first and I hit her back. Everybody does it sometimes.
-If she really loved him, she could make him change.
-If I could figure out what sets him off and not do it, maybe he could stop.
Save Yourself
PLEASE KEEP EVERYTHING. If you are in an abusive relationship and you have things written in texts or emails such as threats etc., screenshot them. Save them somewhere so they don’t get deleted. Athough I had all the evidence of abuse and stalking in my emails, there were scary things he had sent in texts which got deleted when he got the chance to go through my phone.
Restraining Orders
You need to be able to prove what is going on and keep things organized. If you’re getting a restraining order you will need to have a timeline of everything and 2 copies of all of the evidence. One copy will be for the judge and the other for your own records. Do your research and ask for help! I’m no lawyer or relationship advice expert at all.
Domestic Violence Victims
- 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will be abused by an intimate partner.
- 2 out of 5 gay and bisexual men experience abusive partner relationships.
- 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
- In the United States, more than 3 women per day are murdered by their husbands or partners.
- Approximately 4 million women suffer physical abuse by an intimate partner annually.
- It is the most common cause of injury for women ages 18 to 44.
- 50% of lesbian women have experienced or will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
- In one year 6.6 million people are victims of stalking. In one year, 66% of female victims and 41% of male victims are stalked by an intimate partner.
- On average, a victim attempts to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good.
- The most lethal time in an abusive relationship is after a victim leaves. More than 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has gotten out.
- Communities that are more likely to have residents who experience intimate partner violence and other forms of violence are neighborhoods where there is low cohesion, where residents don’t support and trust each other, where people are socially isolated, or where residents don’t have support from family, friends, or neighbors.
- Violence in LGBTQ relationships is immensely underreported due to fear of homophobia, transphobia or sexism.
Direct experience and many academic studies agree that the nexus of intimate partner violence and child abuse is undeniable. Especially troubling is the fact that children who are abused are twice as likely to be abused or perpetrate abuse as adults. This finding makes the direct link between child abuse and domestic violence obvious: it is a cycle of violence that leads from one generation to the next. It is clear that if we are to stop domestic violence, we must end child abuse. The Statistics are here.
